Arizona is not the strong one
by Notonthefreakingplane
Summary: Nobody estimated how much it affected Callie too.
1. Chapter 1

''You weren't on the freaking plane!'' Callie hears over, and over, and over, as she slides down the wall of the supply closet. She covers her face with her hands. The tears have stopped now. She's exhausted.

Her body feels overwhelmed by emotion, but the tears just won't come. She throws the weight of her whole body backwards into the shelves. They rattle, things fall down, but it doesn't help; nothing does. She squeezes her head together with her fists, seeing clearly the ring on**_ her _**scrubs and desperately willing her brain not to let her imagine anything else.

Months now, she has waited, patiently. She has pushed her feelings of desperation aside because they all needed her; Arizona needed her. She should have been on 'the freaking plane'. If she were on the plane she could have saved Arizona's leg, she thought, not even stopping to wonder whether or not that was true. People are afraid of flying because they have to give control to the pilot they don't know and science they don't understand. You don't have to be on the plane to feel that.

She remembers standing there, helplessly, hearing what had happened on that day. She remembers promising to save that leg, and meaning it. She remembers how performing that surgery felt like cutting part of herself away too, and the last year has certainly felt like that happened. She remembers wishing she could have taken Arizona's place. She remembers the beginning of that feeling of life-destroying guilt that she'd spent the last year trying in vain to rid herself of.

Arizona still blames her. She still blames herself.

''You weren't on the freaking plane!'' she hears again.

Arizona was the strong one. Even sitting in the apartment, refusing to move. She was the strong one. She didn't break down like Callie wanted to; she sat there in a strong-willed silence, quietly blaming Callie in a way that was all too obvious.

Callie wanted to scream. She screamed silently into her hands, willing tears to come and relieve her of what she was feeling. It was too late. She had been strong for Arizona, but she had lost everything the day of the plane crash. Everyone was getting better. The people who deserved to have been affected by it were all getting better. She was never allowed to deal with it because she had to be strong for Arizona and the others. She didn't have the right to be affected because she 'wasn't on the freaking plane'.

She couldn't stand her own thoughts any longer. She laid herself on the floor, willing the floor to cool her. Her thoughts wouldn't stop. She punched the ground with her fists. She wished she could go back in time and convince them all to not get on that flight. Though reason said she wasn't to blame, Callie felt responsibility for the entire thing. She should have known. She should have saved Arizona's leg. She should have been more understanding. She should have held it together better. She should have been on the freaking plane.

She found surgical instruments that had fallen from the shelves scattered all around her. She grabbed a saw-like object, not even registering what it was. She didn't know what to do with it. She just felt that such an instrument could inflict physical pain to heal the emotional pain. She didn't even intend to use it; she just felt the comfort in her hands for a brief moment. She wasn't thinking clearly.

She banged her head on the floor. She stopped. She laid there, unblinking and unable to move. It was like her thoughts were moving so fast they crashed into each other and nothing was clear anymore.

Slowly, the door opened and Arizona stood there. Callie watched her, mesmerised. She felt nothing. She wasn't even aware of her absence of feeling as she watched Arizona.  
Arizona knelt down beside her and whispered, ''even the score''.

Arizona was no longer standing there. Callie had no idea how much time had passed, she felt as though she'd been sleeping. She didn't move; there was no point. She eventually realised she had been laid in some water, something wet. She felt weak with emotion, but her thoughts were empty. She looked at the bone saw in her hand. She failed to register anything. She felt exhausted and was vaguely aware of some pain, but couldn't tell if it was physical or emotion. ''I wasn't on the freaking plane'' she whispered to herself. She did not know anything else. Her eyes had closed and she felt nothing.

''If you just wait one freaking second'', said Alex Karev, turning to the door of the supply closet and muttering, ''interns'' to himself. He opened the door but did not register what he saw. He stood for a second, waiting for it to sink in. ''Cristina!'' he yelled to Cristina, standing at the nurses' station. Cristina came running at Karev's tone. They both stood there for a second, staring at Callie's unconscious body laid in a pool of her own blood with a bone saw in her hand. There was a deep gash in her leg that was seeping blood at a dangerous rate. There was lots of talking and running. ''I can see the bone'' Cristina said, shocked, but confused, ''looks like she's tried to cut off her own leg''.


	2. Chapter 2

Callie became aware of voices, talking quietly and over each other. She opened her eyes and the talking immediately stopped. For a moment, she felt confusion. Then she felt as though she were falling as she slowly remembered the night before.

Gathered into the room was an array of her colleagues. None of them was Arizona. None of them spoke.

Callie groaned and stared at the ceiling. The silence was physically hurting her, but she did not want to talk; she couldn't. Eventually, she looked at the crowd. She saw Bailey, who looked like she had been crying, at the forefront.

''What's happened?'' asked Callie, sensing something had. Nobody replied. ''Bailey?'' asked Callie, cautiously.  
''It's…it's Richard'', she replied, obviously fighting back emotion, ''he…he might not make it''.  
''Oh my god'', Callie whispered. She didn't ask anything else. She didn't feel like she could fall any further.

She felt that it was somehow her fault; that Webber possibly dying was somehow her fault. Arizona not being there, that was her fault. She felt as though she were shaking. She couldn't think. She heard herself scream, briefly. Then a moment's silence.

A few people muttered. Callie heard the words 'psych consult'.  
''Nobody's getting a psych consult. Everybody out'', demanded Bailey, ''out!''. The crowd slowly left. Callie did not look up, but instead covered her face with her hands. When she did look up, she saw Brooks standing near the door. Callie caught her eye, then looked away.  
Nothing was said. Brooks remained standing there. Callie looked at her again.  
''Did you really try to cut off your own leg?'' Brooks asked, as though she were asking about the weather.  
''Get out!'' demanded Bailey, reappearing, grabbing Brooks' sleeve and dragging her through the door, closing it behind them.

Callie lay there for a while, trying to think. She was fine, she told herself, **_fine_**. She regretted what she'd done to herself, but felt that it was somehow unimportant. It didn't matter. What mattered was the feeling of emptiness she felt, and how she could feel so empty when she'd never hurt more in her life.

***

Arizona was talking to Tim, one of the concerned parents, when Owen found her. He waited until they had finished before approaching her. She was smiling, but the smile did not reach her eyes.  
''Hey, can we talk?'' asked Owen.  
''Sure'', replied Arizona.  
After he had explained what Callie had done, Arizona had stopped smiling. She didn't say anything.  
''I'm sure this is hard for you…'', started Owen, trailing off.  
Arizona did not respond.  
''Arizona?''  
''I'm nearly finished up here'', she said, looking oddly blank, ''I guess I'll collect Sofia from daycare''.

***

Bailey entered Callie's room and checked her chart. She looked at the uneaten plate of food the nurse had left some time before. ''You should really eat at some point'', she said.  
''I'm not hungry''.  
''Torres, you have to eat at some point this week''.  
''I won't die of starvation if I don't eat this crap'', replied Callie.  
Bailey slowly sat down beside her. ''Callie, you have a child; a child who needs you. She needs you to look after yourself and get out of here so you can look after her''.  
''If I could get to the canteen, and eat something that's maybe actually edible, then I would be more than happy to do that''.  
''I'll see what I can do, but I'm not promising anything''.

Callie was aware that nobody was really asking what they wanted to ask. Nobody had said anything; it was like she hadn't even tried to cut off her own limb.  
She regretted mentioning the canteen. She just said it because she didn't want anyone to force her to eat. She began to panic, thinking she might see Arizona in there. She scared herself because she wanted to see her, but was at the same time somehow afraid of her. She reasoned that she was probably afraid of her reaction, not of her. Yet, somehow, the thought of Arizona made her panic. She couldn't even imagine her face. Her wife's face.

Hunt entered the room some hours later, wheeling a hospital wheelchair in with him.  
''You ok?'' he asked.  
''Yeah'', replied Callie, ''I'm fine''.  
''I brought you a wheelchair so you can go to the canteen. I'll send an intern to take you down there, if you want?''  
''great, yeah. Thanks''.  
Hunt stood there, awkwardly for a moment. Then he left.

Brooks appeared from what seemed to be nowhere.  
''Hey'', she said brightly. She stood there, staring and smiling.  
''Brooks'', said Callie.  
''Yeah?''  
''Bring the goddamn chair over here''.  
''Oh,'' Brookes realised, wheeling the chair over to Callie. ''You want help?''  
''I do not'', replied Callie, struggling to get into the chair. For a horrible moment, she felt like Arizona.

After deciding she didn't want to go to the canteen, she ordered Brooks to take her to daycare to see Sofia. ''I think she's gone home with Arizona'', Brooks said, meekly. ''Then take me for a walk'', Callie snapped.  
Brooks talked incessantly. Callie didn't hear her. The hospital walls somehow reminded her of everything she no longer had. She suddenly wanted to be alone, but not in that room. The room seemed to suffocate her with her own thoughts.  
''Just get me some crutches'', demanded Callie.  
''Chief Hunt said you're too weak for crutches''  
''Then get me a chair I can wheel myself''  
''Oh'', said Brooks, ''I can't''.  
''Why not?'' demanded Callie.  
''Erm, I think Chief Hunt wants you in this chair so you can't leave the room on your own''.

Callie stared into nothing. She could no longer see the walls of the hospital. She longed to see Sofia. She thought of Arizona and saw her eyes. Her judging eyes, with a look that said, ''you did this. You destroyed me''. Callie couldn't get that image from her mind. She felt more pain, more guilt, than she had ever felt in her life.  
Suddenly, she couldn't breathe. She felt as though she were suffocating; as though her chest would explode. Panic set in.  
''Get a crash cart!'' She yelled at Brooks.  
Brooks paused for a moment, then ran for a crash cart.  
As she returned with one, Bailey appeared and quickly demanded, ''what's going on?''  
''I'm dying!'' gasped Callie.  
Brooks looked terrified and confused.  
''Brooks'', said Bailey, ''get rid of that crash cart''.  
Brooks turned away with the crash cart.  
''You're not dying'', Bailey said to Callie, ''you're having a panic attack. You've seen this a million times''. She knelt beside her.  
''It….feels….like….i'm….dying'' replied Callie, gasping for air.  
She slowly calmed herself, breathing more slowly. Eventually, she began to breathe normally and her chest loosened.  
''It feels like I'm dying'', she repeated, before bursting into uncontrollable sobbing.


	3. Chapter 3

Callie felt as though she were dreaming; nothing felt real. Everything seemed so far away, even the sound of her cell phone beeping. She couldn't move at first. She wondered whether she really had died. Eventually, she reached for her cell. There was an SMS from Arizona. As Callie read the words on the screen, she could not process what they said. She stared at the screen until the words sunk in:  
''This doesn't even the score''.

Callie felt everything all at once. She couldn't think; she couldn't breathe. She felt as though the world was falling towards her. She grabbed her leg and pulled it, screaming. She felt a pain in her leg as her hands pressed down on her wound. She threw herself backwards into her thin hospital pillow and swore loudly. Nothing numbed the pain she felt. She knew Arizona was right; Callie had ruined her life and nothing would even the score. She hated herself so much that being in her own company made her panic.

She looked up at the window. Arizona was standing there, laughing at her. She made eye contact with Callie, before walking away.

Callie was dumbstruck and confused. Her emotions made her dizzy and confusion extended to her entire brain. She couldn't remember where she was for a moment. Her heart raced and she longed for her body to just somehow…give up; to let her die. Then she thought of Sofia and hated herself even more.

Meredith and Cristina were standing outside the room. Callie could hear them talking, but couldn't hear what they were saying.

''You go in'', said Meredith.  
''You're better at this stuff'', replied Cristina.  
''I don't know what to say!''  
''Well, neither do i!''  
''I could take the baby. People like babies. Babies make people happy'', suggested Meredith.  
''Her wife's head of peds''  
''Oh. Yeah. Well what do I say then?''  
''I dunno, just go in!''  
Cristina pushed Meredith into the room. Meredith dragged Cristina in with her.

''Hey'', said Meredith, slowly. ''You ok?''  
''Yeah, I'm good'' replied Callie, wishing it were true.

There was an awkward silence. Meredith and Cristina looked at each other for help.

''I had a baby!'' Meredith blurted.  
''oh, yeah, that's great. Congratulations'' said Callie.

Another awkward silence.

''Look, Callie'', Meredith began, ''you know you don't have to do this on your own. We're all here. We'll all help''.  
''Thanks, but I'm, you know, fine. I'm great'' replied Callie.  
''Well, I hope you're ok. We just came to tell you that. if you need us, we'll be around''  
''yeah, we work here'' said Cristina. Meredith looked at her.  
''Thanks guys,'' said Callie, ''but really, I'm fine''.  
Pagers started to beep.  
''We'll be back soon'', said Meredith, running out.

Callie looked at her phone again. She felt the emptiness of the room engulf her. She had no new messages. She felt angry now; anger at the realisation that Arizona was punishing her. She slept with Lauren to punish her. She wanted her to cut off her leg; she wanted her to suffer like Callie had made her suffer. Now she was standing outside her room and taunting her, sending her messages and taunting her. She deserved it, Callie realised, as that falling sensation returned.  
She had not seen Alex Karev in a while either. He was obviously on Arizona's side, Callie realised. Maybe he was even in on the plot to make her suffer.

Meredith returned some time later, without Cristina.

''You've been crying'', Meredith said. ''Are you ok?''  
Callie said nothing for a moment.  
''She's punishing me. Arizona is punishing me. I destroyed her; I took away a part of her. Now she's punishing me''.  
''I'm sure she's not punishing you. Sometimes these-''  
''She sent me a text''  
''What text?''  
''She said – we had this argument – she said if I cut off my leg it would 'even the score' and-''  
''she said what?!''  
''Well, I don't think she meant it like that, not then…but, but she text me and said that this doesn't even the score. And she came to my window and laughed. She laughed. She stood there, right there, and laughed. She's punishing me''  
''Oh my god,'' said Meredith, shocked, ''why? How could she do that?''  
''I don't know'', said Callie, ''I guess I deserve it''.  
''You don't deserve it'' replied Meredith.

***

''Arizona laughed at her'' Meredith explained to Alex and Cristina later that day.  
''She did what?'' asked Cristina, visibly shocked.  
''She wouldn't do that'' stated Alex, taking a bite of his sandwich.  
''Callie said she did. Callie said she saw her'' replied Meredith.  
''Well, she didn't see her'' retorted Alex.  
''She sent her a message too''  
''Saying what?'' asked Cristina  
''That it didn't even the score''.  
''Oh my god''  
''Seriously, guys'' said Alex, ''they're arguing. Arizona did a bad thing, but it doesn't make her a bad person. And she definitely wouldn't laugh''  
''Well, what does she say about it?'' demanded Meredith.  
''I don't know, I haven't seen her today yet. She's been in this awesome surgery since the crack of dawn. But when I do see her I won't be asking her anything. She's just as messed up as Callie is over this.''  
''She hasn't tried to cut off her leg'' Meredith pointed out.  
''Well, it wouldn't be so hard for her to – what? Don't look at me like that'' Cristina muttered, taking a sip of her coffee.

***

''Someone help!'' a woman screamed, rushing through the doors of the hospital carrying a limp child in her arms.  
Karev rushed over. He grabbed the child and put her onto a gurney, asking, ''what happened?'' as he threw his stethoscope to his ears.  
''She'd, she'd been ill'', the woman explained, the crying breaking up her southern accent. ''She had a temperature, and this rash''. She controlled herself and rushed on, ''we thought it was nothing; that she'd be over it by today. We travelled all the way up with her. But she won't wake up. And listen to her breathing!''. She started to cry again.  
Karev took the small girl of around seven to the emergency room. He took off her nightdress to see the rash the woman had described. It was an odd looking rash, but one that immediately ruled out meningitis. He was relieved for a moment, until he saw her armpits. Her lymph nodes had swollen and turned black. He stared for a moment in disbelief.  
''What is it?'' asked Jo, coming up behind him.  
''Page Arizona. Stat''.

***

''Dr Robbins'', said Stephanie, approaching her as she scrubbed out of what had seemed like the longest surgery in history.  
''I'm scrubbing out'' replied Arizona, not looking up.  
''Dr Robbins, they're looking for you downstairs. It's an emergency''.

Arizona reached Karev and asked ''what happened?''  
''Where have you been?'' demanded Karev.  
''What? I've been in surgery'' replied Arizona, surprised at his tone.  
''I've paged you a million times. I've had interns pressing redial for twenty minutes trying to get you on your cell''  
''I was in surgery, Alex. And I don't have my cell today, I forgot it''.  
She checked the patient. She gasped.  
''Oh my god''.  
''It's not, is it?'' asked Karev.  
''Alex, where are these people from?''  
''Somewhere South, I think'' replied Karev, quickly. ''Arizona? Is it?''  
''It looks like it,'' said Arizona, ''it looks like it's by the bacillus yersinia pestis''  
''The what?'' asked Jo.  
''The plague'', replied Karev, gravely.  
''Get Hunt'', Arizona said to Jo.

***

''Why did you send that message to Callie?'' Karev asked in the midst of the rush.  
Arizona stopped in her tracks, ''what message?''  
''Look, you don't have to explain anything to me. Forget I asked''  
''No, really, Alex. What message?''  
''You sent her a message. To her cell'', he added, sounding less sure of himself now.  
She didn't respond.  
''You know she's lying there, a right mess'' Karev accused.  
Arizona continued working on the patient. She didn't look at Karev.  
''Do you even care?'' he asked her.  
''Alex'', she started.  
Then Hunt arrived.


	4. Chapter 4

Callie could hear someone whispering. She couldn't hear what they were saying, but she didn't care. Sounds meant nothing to her. The silence meant nothing to her. She couldn't feel anything, yet she felt everything all at once.  
''You weren't on the freaking plane!'' someone whispered. Callie looked up and was surprised to find nobody there. It had come from her head; from her own mind. But, Callie reasoned, it hadn't really. It had come from Arizona's mouth.  
If she had the energy, she would break down. But she didn't; she didn't have the energy.  
The sounds from the hospital came from so far away they felt like they were coming from another universe. That's just what happens when you don't sleep; it's what happens when you don't feel.  
Callie wanted to see Arizona, but she didn't. She didn't want to see the woman she felt like she'd destroyed; the woman who felt like Callie had destroyed her. Callie saw the look in Arizona's eyes as she told her she's lost everything. Those eyes had accused Callie of taking everything from her.

Suddenly, those eyes were there. Callie stared at Arizona through the window. Arizona was standing there, unmoving. She wasn't laughing this time, but Callie could not read the expression on her face. It felt like Arizona had all the power; it felt like she was enjoying it.  
Callie blinked and Arizona was gone.

***

Hunt saw Arizona walking away from Callie's room.  
''Hey'', he called after her, running to catch up. ''You ok?''  
''Yeah,'' replied Arizona, ''yeah''.  
''Is she any better?''  
''I don't know,'' said Arizona, ''I've not been in. I erm…I don't know if she wants me to''  
Hunt looked at her sympathetically.  
''Is she recovering?'' she asked Hunt.  
''The wound is healing,'' said Hunt, matter of factly, ''but, to be honest, we're concerned about her psychological state. She's still not eating. Or talking''  
''I don't know what to say''  
''We don't know what to do. We need to see some improvement very quickly''

***

Meredith came in.  
''I brought you a Twinkie'' she said, placing it next to her, ''I don't know if you like Twinkies but then I don't know anyone who doesn't like them. But if you don't, that's totally fine. But I brought you one anyway. But you don't have to eat it''.  
''Thanks'', said Callie, not touching it.  
''I can get you something else'' offered Meredith.  
''No, it's fine. Thank you''.  
''How are you today?''  
''Yeah, I'm fine'' stated Callie.  
''You're not fine'', said Meredith. ''I've seen fine. This isn't fine''.  
''I think Arizona is planning something else'' said Callie, finally.  
''like what? What do you mean?''  
''I dunno, just, like, the way she looked at me this morning''  
''she's been here?''  
''she didn't come in. she just stood outside. It was the way she looked at me''  
''in what way?''  
''oh, I don't know. Like she was planning something''

***

''She thinks Arizona's planning something''  
''Like what?'' asked Cristina  
''She's not planning anything'' said Karev.  
''I don't know, she sounded pretty convinced''  
''And she has been weird lately'' pointed out Cristina  
''She hasn't been weird'', said Karev, ''she's upset about Callie''.  
''she doesn't look upset'' Cristina argued.  
''Yeah'', Meredith added, ''if that were Derek…''  
''She feels guilty, is all'' Karev continued to argue.  
''And she sent that message''  
''Yeah, well…'' started Karev, but stopping suddenly.  
''What is it?'' asked Meredith.  
Karev looked thoughtful for a moment. ''she's lying'' he said.  
''who's lying?'' asked Cristina.  
''Callie'', he replied. ''she's lying. About that message. Robbins left her cell at home that day''.

***

''What's your game, Torres?'' Karev asked her.  
''Did Arizona send you?'' she demanded.  
''No, she didn't. Arizona's not even talking about this. Why did you say she sent you a message when she didn't?''  
''Who told you about that?''  
''it doesn't matter''.  
Callie was angry and confused. Had Arizona told him? Was this part of the plan she had? She felt cornered. She didn't know what the plan was, so she didn't know how to play; she didn't know how to protect herself.  
''Just leave me alone, Karev''  
''Look, you need to talk to Arizona. She made a mistake. And yeah, I know, I shouldn't be getting involved. But you're hurting her. I know she hurt you, but it's not a competition. She's not a bad person. She deserves a chance. Just talk to her''.  
Then he left.

Callie wanted to talk to Arizona, but she was afraid. She didn't want to face what she'd done to her; what had broken her so much that she punished her by sleeping with Lauren. Arizona was still punishing her. She'd sent Karev to remind her how much she's destroyed her. Callie knew she deserved it.  
Her cell beeped again. It was a message from Arizona:  
''destroy yourself like you destroyed me''.

Callie didn't know exactly what that meant. Arizona was cold and broken, thought Callie. She is dead inside. Callie wanted to cry, but the days when she could seemed so far in the past.  
She knew what she had to do; she had to destroy herself.  
She looked around the room. There were wires she could destroy herself with, but they were on the other side of the room.  
Callie pulled herself out of bed. It was difficult to move on one leg. She'd never realised just how difficult it was until now. She stumbled and grabbed the bed. She realised that, deep down, she was comforted by knowing this struggle was only temporary; that if she weren't about to do what she was about to do, she would one day have full use of her leg again.  
It was weird, how people didn't articulate thoughts like that; that they never realised that thoughts they never felt were comforting them.  
She felt pain for Arizona that she'd never felt before. Then crashing guilt as she realised she probably should have.

She had the wires now. She didn't think she could make it back to the bed, but she had to. She had to reach the curtain rail.  
She pulled herself onto the bed, then upright onto her feet.  
she tied the wire to the curtain rail. She tied a noose into the other end. She placed her neck into the noose and thought, ''ok, this is it'', before letting herself fall.


	5. Chapter 5

''That was from Callie's room!'' exclaimed Meredith, upon hearing a loud crash.  
Meredith started running, followed by Bailey and Hunt.  
''Torres?'' Hunt asked into the mess of the room. The curtains had fallen down, covering Callie and sending a glass of water smashing to the ground.  
He ran over to the curtains and pulled bits aside. ''It's round her neck'' he said calmly, but with urgency.  
''Oh my god'', said Meredith.  
''Callie?'' said Bailey, leaning over.  
''I'm fine'' replied Callie, into the bed sheets.  
''Her neck is bruised'', stated Hunt, untying the wire from her neck.  
''Callie…'' started Bailey  
''I'm fine''.

Callie wanted to close her eyes; to shut out the world. She should have felt something. She should be relieved that she was alive, or angry. She didn't. She felt desperation, but she wasn't sure about what she was desperate to do. She felt like existence hurt.  
She'd hurt Arizona now Arizona was trying to hurt her. Callie wanted her to; she wanted Arizona to hurt her as much as she could. She wanted it to hurt so much that it stopped hurting altogether.  
She wanted to see her wife. She wanted to tell her she was sorry. Then the thought of Lauren made her feel sick and she decided she never wanted to see Arizona again. And, with that thought, came the guilt; the guilt that she couldn't handle what she deserved. Nothing made sense, it just hurt.

Then Arizona was standing there. In the room, not laughing at her from outside the window. Callie could still not read the expression on her face.  
''Callie,'' she said, ''I erm…'' she trailed off.  
Callie was torn. She wanted to grab hold of her wife and scream 'don't go', and at the same time wanted to throw her into the corridor and scream 'how could you do this?'.  
Arizona didn't speak. She looked as though she were going to a few times, but didn't manage to get the words out.  
Neither of them looked at each other.  
Eventually, Arizona broke the silence by saying, ''they've called psych. Hunt called psych.''

Arizona didn't leave the room. Callie wanted to scream at her to go, but was afraid of how she would feel when Arizona was no longer there.  
Callie dared to glance at her.  
''I wish you'd died'' Arizona said.  
''What?'' asked Callie, though she'd heard perfectly.  
''What?'' said Arizona, confused. Her voice had a different quality than it had a second ago. She looked at Callie, as Callie turned away.

''You broke me'' Arizona said. ''You broke me. I'm going to break you''. Callie didn't dare move. She shook with fear, anger and pain. She wondered what Arizona was going to do.  
Minutes passed. Nothing happened.  
Callie forced herself to turn around.  
''How dare you look at me'' Arizona said, her lips not moving.  
''But-'' Callie stopped, confused.  
''Are you ok?'' asked Arizona, walking over to Callie now.  
''Stay back!'' screamed Callie.  
''Ok, ok, I'm standing right here'' replied Arizona.  
''Stay…stay back'' Callie said again. She watched Arizona warily.  
''You deserve this'' came Arizona's voice, her lips moving in a weird way. Their movements did not match the words she was saying.  
''Callie? What is it? Callie?'' Arizona kept saying.

Callie looked at her hands for confirmation that they were real; that this was real. Then she panicked as she realised what was happening; as she tried to cling to reality. For a moment she was relieved to see Arizona. She tried to focus her brain, which was jumbled and felt like it was spinning.

''I can hear things!'' she panicked.  
''What things?'' asked Arizona, too calmly for Callie's liking.

Callie composed herself and was calmer for a minute. She was hearing things. She didn't know what was real. Maybe she'd hallucinated other things too. And psych was on the way.

''Arizona'', Callie pleaded, ''Arizona…''  
''Callie…''  
''I need you to promise me something''  
Arizona blinked.  
''I need you to promise me you won't let them lock me up''.  
Arizona looked at her.  
''Arizona?''  
''I promise''.


	6. Chapter 6

Arizona left the room in silence. Psych had still not arrived, but people were around. Nothing could happen.  
She walked along the corridor not paying attention to where she was headed. She found herself at the on-call room where she'd betrayed Callie. She couldn't go in. She found herself at a supply closet, one just like the one where Callie had…  
She didn't know whether it was better to face people. As she was wondering what to do, Alex Karev appeared behind her.  
''I heard about Callie'', he said. ''Are you ok?''  
Arizona did not respond. She turned her back on Karev and entered the closet.  
''You can't just hide away in here'', Karev proclaimed, opening the door and letting himself in.  
''why not?'' demanded Arizona. ''Why can't I hide in here? Everyone's staring at me. They're staring at me like, 'oh, there goes that bitch that cheated on her wife and told her to cut off her leg'. They're staring at me and I have nothing to say. Nothing. Because it's true. She's been there for me. She's done everything for me for months and I didn't see it. I was selfish. I cheated on her. And I destroyed her. That's my wife and I'm supposed to love her, and I do, and I destroyed her. I can't even look her in the eye because I know that it was me, me, her wife, who did that to her. And I can't be out there because everyone else knows that too. And nothing, nothing, is worth anything without her. And there she is, destroyed, because of me. So why? Why, Alex? Tell me why I can't hide in here?''  
He embraced her in a hug as she collapsed on the floor, crying uncontrollably.  
''I broke her'', she cried, ''I broke her and I don't think I can fix it''.

***

Callie told the man in the smart clothes for the hundredth time, ''I'm fine. I don't need a pyschiatrist''.  
Arizona entered the room slowly, almost reluctantly.  
''Calliope,'' the man asked, ''have you had any other thoughts of harming yourself?''  
''No'', replied Callie.  
''Would you like to tell me more about the incident this morning?''  
''No''.  
The man turned to Arizona. ''Can I have a quick word outside?''  
''erm…sure'' replied Arizona.

''You're her wife? Arizona Robbins?''  
''Yeah''  
''I'm the on-call psychiatrist, Dr-''  
''What's happening?''  
''Well, at this point in time, I'm not-''  
''I asked you what's happening with my wife?''  
''Fine,'' he sighed, ''At the moment she isn't willing to talk. I've spoken briefly to some of the nurses, who seem to be concerned for her psychological welfare. Physically, she could be discharged, but I know that Owen Hunt is reluctant to discharge her due to her emotional state. Some of the nurses have reported that Calliope is unresponsive and has been talking when nobody else is in the room. This would indicate tha-''  
''I know what that indicates'', snapped Arizona. ''Tell me what's going to happen to my wife''.  
''Well, she's still not saying anything, but given the incidents this past week or so, I would recommend admitting her for observation, just until we can be sure she won't try to harm herself again''.  
''Admitting her?'' Arizona asked. ''To psych?''  
''Just as a short term solution, I believe-''  
''She won't allow you to admit her.''  
''I'm afraid that, under the circumstances, we can't do a full evaluation. She simply won't co-operate. We feel it's best-''  
''We?'' asked Arizona. ''We? As in 'this institution'? As in 'this hospital'? I freaking own this hospital; Callie freaking owns this hospital. You're speaking for this hospital?''  
''I understand that this is difficult for you, Dr Robbins''  
''Difficult?'' spat Arizona, sceptically.  
''Dr Robbins, I feel that your wife has most probably suffered some level of a breakdown, and is experiencing some level of psychosis as a result. She has already tried to harm herself twice. I can reasonably believe she is hallucinating. It's in her best interests, in your best interests-''  
''Don't tell me what's in my best interests''  
''-and of your child''  
''what about Sofia?''  
''Unfortunately, if Calliope were to return home with you, social services would have to be informed''  
''social services?''  
''Arizona, let me be straight with you. I'm worried. Very worried. I'm worried about what would happen if you left Calliope alone. I'm worried about her safety, and, quite frankly, I'm worried about the child's safety. I understand that you and your wife will be upset, but I trust that you want to protect her?''  
''of course I do''  
''you can't watch her constantly. You can't keep her safe''  
Arizona did not reply. She looked into the room and saw Callie watching; waiting. She couldn't allow anything else to happen to her. This was all her fault and it was beyond her control; she couldn't help Callie.  
''We would, of course, appreciate your permission?''  
''Yeah,'' whispered Arizona quietly. She cleared her throat. ''Yeah, you have it''.

Arizona heard the words in the back of her mind, ''I need you to promise me something…'', ''I promise''.


	7. Chapter 7

''You promised!'' Callie screamed, ''you promised!''  
''I did it to help you; to save you'' Arizona said confidently, hiding her emotions; hiding her regret.  
''To help me?'' scoffed Callie. ''This isn't about me; nothing is about me. It wasn't about me when you strutted off to Africa and it certainly wasn't about me when you slept with **_her._**''  
''it wasn't,'' Arizona gulped, tears starting to pour down her face, ''it wasn't about you. It wasn't your fault; none of this is''  
''it's just that I let you down?'' Callie seethed.  
''No, it's just…it was the first thing that wasn't about the plane crash. it was-''  
''You slept with her because she had nothing to do with the plane crash?''  
''No, it's-''  
''Because a week ago, you were angry that I had nothing to do with the plane crash. A week ago, I would have been more than happy to have sex with you, a week ago I would-''  
''Calliope, listen!'' shouted Arizona, momentarily stunned that she had raised her voice. ''Calliope, please, listen,'' she began again, ''I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. I was horrible, I am horrible. Nothing I do can take it back. But I promise-''  
''You promised you wouldn't let them do this to me!''  
''Callie, please…''  
''Get out!''  
''what?''  
''I said get out! I love you, goddamn it, and I hate myself. I hate myself for loving you. I hate myself for letting you do this to me. For letting myself have this done to me. Again. But I do, I love you, and I'm scared that if you don't leave this room I'll listen to you. And if I listen to you, I'll forgive you. I'll forgive you because I love you; because I've never loved anyone like I love you. But I just can't. I can't let you do this to me,'' she broke down, ''I just can't. I can't let you hurt me. I can't let you keep on hurting me. I just can't''.  
''Callie,'' Arizona sobbed, ''I swear, I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't. and I won't do it again. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make this up to you. If you'll just…let me''.  
''I'm done letting you make things up to me. I'm sorry, Arizona, but if you hadn't ended this the moment you took your scrubs off in that on-call room, you ended it the moment you broke your promise and I ended up here''.  
As Callie left the room, Arizona fell onto the nearest chair. Callie looked back and saw her, a heartbroken mess. Callie hobbled out of the door with fierce determination, the only thing stopping her from running over to her wife and embracing her in a hug that said 'none of this matters'. Only it did; it did matter.

''Can I help you?'' said a nurse, as Callie left the room and found herself on the corridor.  
''Erm, no?'' replied Callie  
''Dr Torres'', the nurse pressed, ''you know you're not allowed to be on the main floor unescorted''  
''Erm, I'm walking from the visiting room to my prison cell'' Callie pointed to the two rooms, just metres apart, ''I think I'll be ok''.  
The nurse followed Callie to her room, just as another nurse appeared and shouted ''obs!'' as she looked at Callie then ticked a box on her chart.  
Callie rushed into her room and closed the door behind her.  
''Unescorted'', she muttered angrily, ''I'm a freaking surgeon! This is my freaking hospital!''

Callie's anger ebbed away quickly. She was left feeling drained. She was shocked at herself; at what she'd just done. She wanted to call Arizona, ask her to come back. But the strong version of Callie, the version somewhere out of sight, reasoned with her. Calling Arizona back would mean more pain, and she couldn't imagine being in any more pain.  
She sunk back against the wall of her room. The brightly coloured pictures on the wall did not reflect her emotions and did nothing to calm her. In fact, they did nothing but piss her off. She decided to get rid of those pictures once she was out of this place.  
She was exhausted. Letting go was exhausting. Wondering whether that had been the right decision was exhausting. Hurting was exhausting. And, Callie supposed, the sedative effects of the medication were probably contributing to the exhaustion. In spite of herself, in spite of the millions of thoughts and the massive amount of pain she felt, Callie fell asleep.

***

Arizona walked onto the peds floor and the first person she saw was Alex Karev.  
''You look like crap'', he greeted her.  
''Thanks, Alex'' she replied, attempting her usual smile.  
''You ok?'' he asked.  
''She hates me,'' Arizona turned suddenly and blurted out. ''She blames me. And yeah, I know, it's like, my fault and all. But she blames me. She blames me for being on that ward. Not just for driving her to end up like that, but for actually admitting her. She acts like I admitted her''.  
She then plastered on her fake smile and greeted one of the children on the ward. She pulled out her stethoscope and acted like nothing was wrong.

***

Callie still felt emptiness inside her, but, after a few weeks, her thoughts were much clearer and she felt calmer. If she was crazy before, she was depressed now. She found life to be mundane and pointless. But she wanted to get out; she wanted to see Sofia. She hadn't seen her since before the storm. She was with Arizona. She hadn't seen Arizona since the day she was admitted, either. She wondered how Sofia was getting on, stopping herself before she wondered about Arizona.  
Callie supposed she would have to speak to her at some point. They had a child. She didn't want to admit it, but she missed Arizona. She'd never, ever, allow herself to forgive her. She did miss her, though.

She could walk on her leg without it hurting by the time she left the ward. She didn't want to go home; it didn't feel like her home. She wandered around the hospital for a while; down the corridors where she had loved and lost more than one person. She told herself to be strong. She continued to walk. Eventually, she saw familiar faces. She saw April Kepner first. She was comforted by the sight of a familiar face. ''Hey,'' Callie called to her. ''Hey'' April replied quickly, before turning and walking quickly in the opposite direction.  
Callie's face fell. She wondered what was going on.  
''Owen'', Callie greeted, as she saw him.  
''Torres, you're not supposed to be back'' he said seriously.  
''Nah, I'm not'' Callie replied, ''not until tomorrow''.  
''I'm not sure tomorrow is a good idea. It's probably a bit soon''.  
''What do you mean? I'm fine. They released me''  
''Discharged you. And I'm still not sure you're fit to work. We need psych reports, we need risk assessments. There's a procedure…''  
''Owen,'' said Callie, ''I'm fine. Great. Fit for work''  
''I'm sorry. We're going to have to follow procedure''.

Callie stood on the spot, stunned, as Owen walked away. Suddenly, she was surrounded by interns. ''Are you still crazy?'' asked Brooks. Everyone glared at her. She shrugged, ''I'm just asking''.  
''Dr Torres'', began Shane, ''it's great to see you back. If you need anything…''  
''I'm **_fine, _**Shane, fine. I'm not crazy, I'm fine. Maybe I'll go crazy if people don't stop acting like I'm crazy, but right now I'm fine.''  
''Yes, sorry'' said Shane.  
''Don't you all have surgeries to fight over or something?''

***

Callie opened the door to her apartment. Arizona wasn't there and neither was Sofia. Callie guessed they were still at the hospital. She'd considered seeing Sofia at daycare, but didn't think she could stand the thought of the staff there treating her like she was crazy, or an unfit parent. She'd kind of hoped Sofia was at home, but was glad Arizona wasn't and those things were conflicting.  
By the time Arizona did get home, Callie was ready to see her. She didn't acknowledge her at first, but instead picked up Sofia and held her tightly. She knew she had to deal with everything very soon, but wanted to hold her child for one more blissful minute.


	8. Chapter 8

Arizona was standing awkwardly, trying to avoid eye contact with Callie. Callie deliberately didn't look at her.  
''Hey'', mumbled Callie.  
''Hey,'' Arizona replied, hopefully.  
Then it was over. Callie bent down to play with Sofia, leaving Arizona standing alone near the door, visibly holding back tears.

''Are you staying here tonight?'' Arizona asked, quietly.  
Callie took a moment to respond, ''this is my home. I have nowhere else to go''.  
''What do you want to eat? We could have pizza?'' Arizona asked, awkwardly.  
''No, you can have pizza. I'll make myself something. We're roommates, Arizona. We're not going to eat like we're a family, because we're not one. We're not a family. I will make myself something to eat and I will make our daughter something to eat, but I am sure as hell not playing happy families''.

***

Callie walked purposefully down the corridor, looking for Owen Hunt. She was wearing freshly ironed scrubs and had a superficial air of optimism about her. ''Owen,'' she greeted enthusiastically when she saw him. ''What are you doing, Torres?'' he asked.  
''I want you to get me cleared for surgery''  
''I can't do that, Torres, you know I can't'', he replied, ruffling through paperwork.  
''Owen…please. I'm fine. I've served my time in the prison ward and I'm good now''.  
''It's not that simple'', he sighed, ''you know it's not that simple''.  
''Fine. You know what, I own the hospital. If I want to clear myself for surgery, I'll clear myself for surgery!''

***

Callie sat in the on-call room with the door locked. She didn't know how much longer she could handle everything. She'd gone crazy; she'd been ill. She was fine now, things were supposed to get easier. They were just getting harder.  
Hunt knocked on the door.  
''Nobody's in here'', shouted Callie.  
''Torres, open the door'' said Hunt.  
Reluctantly, Callie opened the door.  
''I've been looking for you. Are you ok?''  
Callie paused for a moment.  
''So it turns out that owning the hospital doesn't mean I can clear myself for surgery. In fact, being unfit for surgery also means I'm unfit to run the hospital. So I get to have a few more weeks of sitting around my apartment on my own, getting fat from eating potato chips out of boredom and watching the worst TV ever invented, until I can come back all happy and smiley and convince everyone that I'm not crazy. So yey!''  
''It won't be as long as you think'' replied Owen.  
''No, see, you say that, but they told me that while I'm taking this medication I can't perform any long surgeries and most of my surgeries are long, Owen, most of them are. And I said I'd stop taking it, but they said that if I stop taking it there's a 'significant risk' of me going crazy again and if I'm not taking it they won't clear me at all. So how do I get around that?''  
''well, I imagine in a few weeks they'll decrease your dose and your body will get used to it and-''  
''a few weeks. I'll go crazy in a few weeks. I can't do this. I'm gonna have to go work as a…as a…teacher. I'll do my teacher training and I'll teach Art and I'll paint stupid brightly coloured trees all day and offer words of wisdom, like, like, 'don't be gay, kids' cos, cos you'll get married and be all happy for like, five minutes, and then your wife will lose her leg in a plane crash and cheat on you and you'll go crazy and lose your job and have to become an Art teacher and tell other kids not to be gay, cos this is what happens.'' She feigned enthusiasm.  
''you're not losing your job, Callie'', Owen replied, ''it might not even be a few weeks. The pysch reports aren't even down here yet. Just try to relax''.

***

Callie left the hospital and was walking away when she found herself face to face with Arizona, who had a coffee in her hand and a look of surprise on her face. ''What are you doing here?'' she asked Callie.  
''I was hoping to get cleared for surgery. But they said no. they said I can't do my job. Do you know why they said that?''  
''why?'' asked Arizona, tentatively.  
''because I'm crazy. Because loving you made me crazy. Loving you drove me to do things that even I don't understand why I did. And those things make them say I can't do my job''.  
''Callie…'' Arizona started, sadly.  
''No,'' said Callie, ''you don't get to explain; you don't get to say you're sorry. I loved you and you slept with someone else. I loved you and you got me locked up after you promised, you promised, you wouldn't. And now everyone is looking at me like I'm weak; like I'm a weak person. Like there's a load of doctors in there who survived a freaking plane crash and I can't handle my wife cheating on me. Like if I can't handle that, I can't handle the surgeries I've been doing for freaking years. And I can't deal with that; I can't, I can't cope. And I was a strong person, Arizona, a strong person. And yeah, I went a little crazy, but I'd have gotten over that. Because I was a strong person. But you, you took that away from me. I could have dealt with the cheating, I could have, but when you locked me away and you didn't see me and I was stuck there, being treated like I was weak and that's why I was there, you took away a massive part of me. You did. And I won't ever get that back. Everyone is always going to see me as the doctor who ended up in psych because she couldn't deal with her wife cheating. So you don't get to apologise. you don't get to apologise because saying you're sorry is not going to change a thing''.  
''Callie, please…''  
''No, Arizona, not this time''.


	9. Chapter 9

Arizona walked through the door of the apartment with Sofia in her arms. She carefully placed her down and encouraged her to 'go play'. Callie looked up and opened her mouth to say 'hey', but Arizona stopped her.

''No, Calliope, no. you don't get to speak this time,'' she started, tears pouring down her face as she struggled and failed to hold them back, ''you don't get to act like this is just about you. You don't get to tell me how much having me in your life hurts you. You don't get to tell me how awful I am. Because I know, Calliope, I _know_ how awful I am. You think I broke that promise because I don't care; because I didn't trust you to get better on your own. Well, I didn't. I broke that promise because I know that my being around hurts you. How was I supposed to say that I would take you home, that I would look after you, when all I would do would be to make it worse. Just through existing. I couldn't hurt you any more, I couldn't. I love you and-''

''you put me in that psych ward and you didn't look back''. They were both crying now.  
''I wanted to. I wanted to come back, every day. I wanted to stay there with you; I didn't want to ever leave, but you told me to go. You told me that I was destroying you-''  
''You were, Arizona, you were destroying me. You're still destroying me because you don't care that you-''

''My god! How can you say that? how can you say I don't care? I've never cared about anything more in my life! Do you think this has been easy? Do you-''

''Do you think it's been easy for me? Do you think it was easy being a prisoner in my own hospital? Do you think it's easy having everyone look at you like you're crazy? Do you think it's easy when your wife sleeps with someone else after spending months, _months_-''

''it wasn't about you! All those months, all those months I knew I was letting you down. All those months I tried to be the person you fell in love with. I tried to be better straight away because I know you. I know you're a good person. I know you would have stayed with me and acted like everything was ok because you don't walk away, you don't. And I didn't want to be the person you were reluctantly married to. I didn't want to be the person you stayed with because you had to. I wanted you to love me and I was scared you wouldn't. I didn't want to lose you; I couldn't lose you.''  
''You couldn't lose me?'' Callie scoffed, ''Arizona, you pushed me away. Time and time again, you pushed me away. And I tried, I really did try. I waited for you; I forgave you every time you threw the goddamn plane crash in my face. You think I didn't lose anything? Well, you're wrong. I was scared for my wife, I was scared for my marriage and my best friend freaking died! He died, Arizona. Mark died. And you cheated and you locked me up and I had no-one to turn to because my wife didn't care and my best friend was dead. I was on my own, Arizona. And if you really couldn't stand to hurt me, then where were you? Where were the hell were you?''

''You think I just what? Didn't have the time? Didn't care? What, Callie? You think I just thought 'oh well, I'll write this one off and carry on with life'? I was the last person you saw before you got that bone saw and did what you did. Because of me. Because I told you that you didn't hurt like I did. What did you want, Callie? For me to walk in there and say sorry and expect you to forgive me? I was scared for you. I was scared that if I walked into that room it would hurt you. I was scared that I'd done that to you and…''  
''And what? You were scared someone would say it out loud? You were scared to hear someone say it was your fault?''  
''no!'' Arizona cried, ''I mean, yes, I'm a coward, I am. But that's not it. I was scared you'd…''  
''Scared I'd what? Tell you that sleeping with someone else was bad?''  
''Scared you'd done it to hurt me.''

''if you think I would do that,'' said Callie slowly, '' if you really believe I would do that, you're not the person I thought you were. If you really think that you can get the hell out of this goddamn apartment''.

''I didn't think that, Callie, not really. I didn't know what to think. I was scared. Scared to see you in a hospital bed because of me again. Scared that every time I've been around you for the past year, I've lost a little bit more of you; that if I went into that room you'd tell me to walk out of it and not come back. And if you did, I wouldn't be able to fight. I would have nothing to say because I did that to you-''

''you didn't have the right to make that decision. You didn't have the right to turn your back on me. You didn't have the right to decide what I was thinking.''

''I was hurt too, Callie, I was hurt too. You just expect me to be fine, you always expect me to be fine. You think I can just smile and deal with everything you throw my way; everything life throws my way. You think that you can do that to yourself and I'll be calm and rational and I'll fix it. You think you can cut off my leg and I'll be fine-''

''and we're back to the leg-''

''see? You think it's not a big deal. You do it every day and you think you're fixing people. But you're not. You're not fixing people-''

''I save people's _lives_. I don't expect people to be fine, I don't. But the people I generally save have some perspective, Arizona. Have some goddamn perspective-''

''You have some perspective. You have some. You expected me to wake up and say 'oh, I lost my leg, but that's fine because I'm still alive'. You expect me to be grateful because Mark and Lexie died and I got to live. You think I should see it as a small price to pay for my life-''

''and isn't it?''

''I wake up every day in pain. I feel pain in a leg that isn't there. And every single day that reminds me that it isn't there, and why it isn't there. And I have two choices, Callie. Two. I can remind myself that my leg isn't there because I got on that plane. Because the plane crashed. Because we were there for days. Because nobody knew we were there and nobody came. Because Lexie died, because Mark died. Because nothing will ever be the same. Or I can think that it isn't there because you said to cut it off. And I'm sorry you think I am angry at the wrong person. But you weren't there. You saw a problem and you chose the easiest way to fix it. And you expect me to be fine. You expect me to wake up in the morning and count my blessings that I'm alive, when all I can think about is those woods and how different things are; how different I am''.

''I was there for you every single one of those days''

''You weren't, Callie, you _weren't_. You tried, I know you tried. But you weren't there. You don't have to see what I see; you don't have to feel what I feel. And you act like you were there, but you weren't. And every day I could see it in your eyes. You wanted me to be fine, but I wasn't. I'm not fine. Nothing is fine, Callie.''

With that, Arizona left the apartment. Callie had no idea where she intended go, or what she intended to do. She wanted to shout after her, but couldn't bring herself to do it. She felt like a lot had been said, but not enough. She was torn between hating Arizona and hating herself.  
She sunk down into the sofa and continued to let the tears fall down her face, wondering how things had become the way they had.


End file.
